Barffie The Whine Connoisseur

I could never do a thing right.
I had good intentions.
But somehow it always come out all wrong.
All so very wrong.

Now I have successfully screwed up his potential r/s.
I dun have any intention to.
I am happy he found someone worthy. Sincerely.

(Great and he knows this blog too!
How naive can I get.
Happy reading, if u can still be bothered to visit.)

Anyway what I wanna say is,
I have no intention of breaking them up,
but after seeing what he is capable of…
I dun wan a fellow good girl to risk getting hurt.

He might treat her well, be sincere to her…
Since he did not find what he want in me,
and say I am fucking irritating,
after all the nice things he said abt me…
I don’t think he is a very simple guy either.

I could be irritating, but I know my frens could love me for all I am.
That’s all it matters maybe.

But come on folks.
Sometimes u can see a jerk when u see one,
sometimes u jus can’t.
If they intend to lead u along in the first place,
how would u know?

I am not street wise enough to tell apart the sincere, and the cheaters.
But I could sense things when they are coming.
And usually it’s too late.

I try very consciously, to treat ppl the best way I could.
To help them out, to listen to them, to be there when I can…
Using the best of my knowledge n skills,
I try, I tried, and I am still trying.
Sometimes, I dunno if I did things wrong,
until I screwed up, or until someone told me.

Please understand,
I am facing as much stress as anybody else, if not more…
But could someone try understanding my position?
Maybe u all could handle ur stress differently,
but we are all wired differently inside.
And my wiring goes all hey-wire, pun intended,
when things do not go well.
I have learnt to handle certain things well,
but others I have not.

Would anybody give me a chance to prove myself?
Let me bring some goodness into ur lives, no matter how minor it is?
Before u all give up on me?

There is a reason why my self-esteem had been
rock-bottom all these time.

Simply because, I hate myself.
Yes u all will tell me I shldn’t think like that.
But yes. I do hate myself.

I have been lied to.
All the while.
Just great.
The mind of a liar is so mysterious, so deep and so fucking scary.
NNB…

ME: gullible, too trusting, naive, just fucking dumb.

Something I feel happy about lately,
is making frens with his Ex.
Quote from Assholepup: Ex-es of the world UNITE!
I got a feeling I would get along with her very well indeed.
But she is the stronger kind,
more sensible kind, I am the emotional kind…
Oh well!
But ahz she helping me buy skin care,
can get cheap cheap from airport
Need to get better skin care,
to protect my dying skin…
from my horrible lifestyle…

Ok, I will work hard these 3 mths,
work very hard…
Must get a good powderful increment,
then I can go apply for Citibank Clear and Ladies Card.
Moahhaahaha!
DUH. Anyways I need good luck.

YAY! Time to plan for Raisin’s birthday…
Well simple simple dinner I think,
on Thursday night if she can make it.
If not on Saturday perhaps…
I got a chalet to go to on Sat night oso…
Aiyo gg to rush here n there again.

Gotta go Power Yoga on Wednesday night…
And hopefully more body combat lessons on Thur (if no BD thingy)
and Friday…
It’s either PMS or stress that is getting to me,
making me eat n eat n eat… :X
Gotta work out to compensate :p

And they are going to put me on e 3-mth TRIAL period
for the producer thingy…
They’ll increase my pay after the 3 mths when my review is +ve…
WTF! Stupid HR policy, trying to delay my increment right!
KNNBCCB! X[

Not tt I wanna slack,
but if I maintain a consistent above average performance…
It’ll be no sweat… =\
Keep my standard afloat amongst the other producers’ works.

1 mth is so hard to pass liao,
moreover 3 mths… -_-”’
GAAHHH, endure!
For the Moolah For the MOooolaaaaaahhh…

I am having self-doubt.
What is wrong with me?
Am I not a good enough fren?
Or I don’t do enough for my frens?
Too pessimistic? Too whiney?
Too loud? Too… I dunno…

It’s hard to get people to like me I guess.
I’m unlikeable.

I used to think I am fairly attractive,
and nice to everyone.
Now I seem less and less so.

I am starting to feel I am more and more like a bitch.
Unwelcomed.

To friends maybe, and especially to guys.

I’m contradiction of many sorts all rolled into one.

I’m Physically Alive / Feels Like Dead
Want BF / Dread Having BFs
Wanna Work Hard / Wanna Slack for Eternity
Seek Solitude / Afraid of Loneliness
Clubber / Stoner
Optimistic / Pessimistic

Ahz can’t think of anymore now…

Watched AI: Artificial Intelligence finally…
And it’s really a good movie!
The sets the art direction is great, typical of Steven Spielberg’s style.
And another director’s signature:
the bulk of them melodramamama at the end of the show.
It started out really WHOO! wonderful.
The back was really slow,
and the bit with bringing back the mum was a little saddening…
U spend all the time together,
knowing at the end of the day, she’s going to leave…
Tragic.

Well if only there are no feelings in this world.
Everything is jus operating
without feelings: pain, joy, good, bad…
No doubt feelings make life more incredible, more interesting,
and they leave memories for u to smile abt on ur deathbed…
But if there were no such thing in the first place,
no one will miss it I guess.

But then movies won’t be touching anymore,
songs won’t be enchanting,
art won’t have a place in here,
books will only be meaningless words…
The seas will be polluted and no one will give a damn abt it,
cos no one will miss the beauty of the clear turquoise sea…

The things I love and want in this world, are all feeling-related.
Sense and Sensibility, if anyone read this book by Jane Austen,
I would be the younger sister, definitely.
How can I be Sense, when all tt makes me is Sensibility?

in a brain dead stage right now.
jus working n working all day,
then sleep then work again…

and i actually harbor thots of quitting irc,
cos i’m sort of addicted,
and my time in there is kinda interfering with my already messy
sleep patterns, n indirectly – my work… =\
but it’s one of the recreational thingy i can do in the comfort
of my own room…
=\ dun know anymore new songs to dl,
movies take waaay to long to dl, stuff liddat…
well it’s easy to be dragged into interesting (or stupid) conversations…
somehow i am comfy talking to total strangers by typing non-stop…
oh well!
guess can cut down…
i hv to sleep at 12-ish every night
I HAVE TO! omg…

ahz he’s leaving quite soon i know.
and they are having some celebration for Lee-Anne’s BD on sat.
i am not invited, no one asked me…
so i will act blur.
i need to go back n complete my Drunken Master trailer on sat anyways…
heard he’s going too,
time for me to stay out of his way and let him enjoy himself.
and let him enjoy e company of whom he desires… =X

anyway enough of boozing for this mth
and enough of retro music n hanging out with e same ppl…
and enough of spending
I shall meet the girls maybe for dinner or something
after their body world exhibition.

i wanna go the LOTR exhibition though

for the moment. i will not fall for anybody.

and i am thinking of getting Raisins out to celebrate her bd… and of course with the rest of the gang!

feeling alright these 2 days.
sianz, but not as bad as a few days ago…
but still… i need a few months…

going to Florida in April with my travel-hungry colleague,
trip kindly sponsored by Mr M
well he booked e trip when we were still together,
so as not to waste it,
he’s letting me go with my Hweekooooooooon…
i owe him big for this one.
But, i can’t offer him anything.
a thousand apologies, but… i dunno.
going to stay at DisneyWorld -
personally i’m not into amusement rides,
but hell, i’ll enjoy e 24hr plane ride.
I wish we can shop around… Wanna buy stufffff…
and go to Miami beach or something… I WISH!!!!!

now i have a few nicks in irc:
CyniSkept
DiscoJinx
LuridJinx
Luridisco
Scheisse
(for those of all who remember Run Lola Run, this is German for shit)

and i frequent these channels:
#singapore20+
#singapore20plus
#enigma
#flings
#poetry

try to find me there at night la!
as if anyone cares… -___- ”’

took a slight interest in this guy from irc.
but now being careful, n holding on to a shield to protect myself…
talked to him,
he’s pretty intellectual and actually has a career,
but a little too deep, a little too negative like me.

i keep telling him, 2 ppl of negative auras shldn’t mix together.
but then again, negative + negative = positive.

he admitted tt he’s quite a MCP,
but i am afraid this can either be a good thing or a bad one… =\
hope he’s a better kind of MCP ba…
but he seemed a little more self-centred than i am,
or rather he prefer talking abt himself,
rather than listening… just happened once online…
but then again need to know him better,
i dun dare to say anything now.

and for the moment, i dun wanna get into anything.
i won’t.

got home from batam last evening,
had a 2 room suite all to myself…
cos 2 colleagues left after one of them injured her nose…
she crashed onto a closed window pane…
and it’s bleeding n swollen… =\
hope she gets well soon.

this retreat attempted to boost our morale,
our bond to the company…
had ppl like Bryan Wong sobbing over his sense of attachment to it…
and skeptical / experienced ppl like Haha would think otherwise…

but on a whole, it did improve some of our r/s between colleagues
some time to get to know them,
either drunk or sober… o_O
alot of them r big drinkers n gamblers man…

well somehow i enjoyed the peace n solitude i spent tt night…
alone in an apartment like area…
stoning at the balcony area.
i guess i could never really get over the sense of loneliness,
the sense of destitude isolation, the sense of emptiness…

ok being overly-dramatic here again.
but yeah i hv to admit i’m afraid of this empty feeling…
but heck, i hv to get over it by myself.
as always…

went clubbing with the rest of the folks at sg20+
@ madam wong’s… finally…
Woahaha din get too drunk,
jus enough to dance n dance…
met a really tall guy nicknamed Mas^s|e… 195cm!
woah… a whopping 45cm taller than me!
but hell, height is not a problem for frens to get along…

the others were fun, and met a girl nicknamed f0xy…
she’s fun! wild n totally loud…
hahaahah… but ahz she n i clicked pretty well

i liked wat i wore last night though
a change from my usual dressing…
but damn! forgot to take a picture of myself
DAMNITY!

oh well, he was there too.
din wanna talk to him tt much, tried to stay out of his way…
treating him as non-existant,
while still enjoying myself in other ppl’s company…
dun wanna piss him more than i have already did.

but of cos i still got pretty affected at the end of the day.
went hm feeling like crap…
and i could sense something…
he’s interested in someone else… /me shrugs…
i can’t do anything, and i hv no right to do anything…

Gahhhhh… time to look for new target to pine over.
fuck.