Barffie The Whine Connoisseur

You can draw all the blood from my arm, but please… don’t make me pee into a tiny little bottle. I forgot to NOT pee this morning and so finished my “supply”. After half an hour gulping bottles of water, I still find myself with no pee and a great deal of performance anxiety.

DAMMIT.

It’s messy, wet and yucky. I hate it. You’ll have to stick your arm underneath into the toilet bowl cavity and feel around to see where the stream is… by that time that happens, your hands are already soiled. WALAUUUU!!! AND THEN THERE IS WASTAGE! I don’t have enough pee liao lah and then I wasted them when I couldn’t figure out where the pee stream is!!!

Can someone give me a funnel please? YARRGGGGHHH.

To be frank, sometimes I think I’m a very boring person. I could hardly categorise myself into something. You know, like hey that’s LT the [insert description] chick. She’s so interesting and cool. Wish we can be like her.

Eh no. That’s definitely not me.

I am more of an arty person, but I am not the artiest chick around. I like reading, but not that much. I love cats but I don’t go around picking up strays to bring home. I have taste in dressing, but I seldom dress up. I like music, but am not very musical. I love travelling, but I can be quite the homebody. I am somewhat anti-social, but very talkative. I am rational, but I have my emotional freakish side. I seem vulgar and aggressive, but am actually meek and docile. I adore movies, but am not the most hardcore film buff. I love shopping, but I find it too much of a hassle. I am knowledgeable, but hardly the walking encyclopedia. My English is a little more decent than my dwindling Chinese language skills.

So what does that make me?

Perhaps I’m just not a particular type. Whenever people talk about me, they’ll either say I am funny, or I am nice. I doubt anybody would aspire to be me, but I guess I’m not high-profile enough for that kind of attention…

Who cares?

I am hardly pretentious, although I find my favourite movie list quite unique. I am not snooty, although I find my taste in music quite eclectic. I am not feminine, but I like my long long hair and my fair fair skin and curling my eyelashes with my mouth half-opened.

That aside, I guess I take pride in certain things that I do. I don’t do it to prove a point to somebody. To win somebody (oh wait, maybe I want to do better in life than some of the ex-boyfriends). Or just to appear cool. Why bother trying to impress people that I don’t know? And if I know these people, we respect each other… or do we try to outdo each other? What’s the point?

That aside, so what’s with women? We think that we are the biggest shits around and we deserve the best? The most wonderful man, the most expensive shoes, the acts of chivalry, the freedom, the individuality, the fattest paychecks? Come on.

I love Sex and The City too. We all have an inner Carrie who wants to splurge on the prettiest shoes with our measly paychecks. Charlotte’s a prude but at least she knows what she wants, unlike Carrie. Samantha’s a slut, but she is in full control, plus she is a true friend that every woman could ever want. Miranda’s a whiny mother, but she has her head on her shoulders.

Looking beyond the stereotypes and their glamourous outfits, there’s a deeper moral of the story to SATC that many women don’t understand. It’s not the shoes that really make you happy. Shoes, are like medicine that relieve the symptoms but not cure the disease. The disease? It’s actually the thing that eats away at you the most, and the thing is, you probably don’t know it or is ignoring it.

It could be low self-esteem, fear of commitment, being too needy and co-dependant, too self-centred, the lack of control over your life and where it’s heading… it could be anything. Maybe you are just a stinking, disgusting self-absorbed bitch, but oh! Don’t let the magazine tell you otherwise! What makes you feel crappy about yourself again? It’s not because you can’t find anything to match your outfit, it’s because you are just self-loathing and don’t know what you want exactly out of life.

So you refer to magazines and websites that tell you that’s probably what you need to complete your outfit, and hence your life is complete. For now. Until you see that SALE sign outside Mango in Orchard Road the next day. That is what I don’t understand about women, why do we need so many bags and shoes and accessories? Why do I not want to be seen in the same dress by the same group of friends more than once?Why do I care about shaving my legs just so I could hop downstairs for a quick meal at the kopitiam? Why do you let your friends make you feel bad when they say they are fat, when they are at least 5kg lighter than you?

I guess all we need, is to fix ourselves. Our mentality, our mindset and our world view. We don’t need luxurious underwear because it makes us feel special and powerful. Come on. It sits under your clothes and it should remain unseen and be totally discreet. Of course, I don’t support wearing holey undies, just so you know.

So you see, some of these grrrrl power thing the media feeds us with, it might just make us feel worse about ourselves in the long run. We will never have legs that go on forever, we will never have luscious hair that doesn’t tangle, we will never look like that goddess on that billboard. That is why I rather read men’s magazine. They don’t take themselves too seriously and fart jokes are totally fine. Women take the branded bags and worship them. And heck, I don’t know why I am lusting over the Mulberry Alexa. It’s just a leather satchel bag thingy. It looks nice, and it costs a muthafricking $2500 or something.

What’s with that? It doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand why I think and act like a woman sometimes and I get disgusted with myself. Heh. Can anybody tell me why?

My poor car.

Was at a multi-storey carpark going straight on the main road, this uncle in a Civic came out of the side road, disregarding the white STOP line, I horned at him when I saw him heading towards me from the corner of my eye… and he should have time to stop, but didn’t. Then he buanged the driver-side of my car door.

It’s a minor dent and scratch lah, but still… OUCH! I came out, shouted at him and took photos shakily while he found a place to park, so that he didn’t obstruct the road. Got his phone number and name. Took photos of his car that didn’t have much damages… and then I drove off to Star J nearby to assess the damage and find out how much the repairs would cost.

As I drove in to the parking lot, I saw a few Vios all smashed up, waiting to be fixed. My car’s damage was minor in comparison, and I shudder at the thought that it could be worse. The guy wanted to drag this whole thing and pay me in cash a few days later, but under my insistence he had to pay up today, so that they can start work on the repairs immediately. I insisted on using my workshop, and not the one he recommended that could do it for only $200 and be done in 1 day, while my workshop could only do this in 3 days or so and cost 3 times the price.

I told the dude, if he doesn’t want to cover the repairs on my terms, then I will do a 3rd-party claim against his motor insurance policy. Which I will also include the loss of use for 3-4 days, driving up the costs even further. So in order for him to not jeopardise his NCD and insurance premium, he has to suck it up, and pay for the repairs right now.

He even had the cheek to ask me to just fork out 2 more dollars to make up the full sum (got GST mah). Ugh. Shit you. Jeffwee who came to pick me up just covered that amount. This is dumb because THE GUY whacked into my car leh! I never ask him to pay for the stress and emotional trauma he caused and we still got to fork out 2 bucks more!?

Ugh. I am glad I got out unscathed and managed to settle this whole hoohaa within a couple of hours.

ARGH MY CAR NOT PERFECT LIAO LA!!! DIEW!!!

ADVICE: Know your rights and know how you can leverage the situation so that you don’t get taken advantage of during such a situation! If I had went with his workshop (being the nice person I usually am) he won’t feel the pinch and won’t learn the lesson ok!!! And his lauya workshop won’t be able to do a good job as my car has a very unique colour.

I know he won’t want me to report this to the insurance company (as I was filling in some forms earlier on and called to ask him for his NRIC number – I think that got him worried) so he acted quickly to come meet me at the workshop to settle this quickly. If not he would have dragged a couple more days! Must seek $$$ while you are still pissed off! If not you might soften and give in to his bargains.

Remember to take clear photos of the accident, so in the case of a dispute, you’ll have your evidence with you. Hur hur hur.

My hands were shaking, but that didn’t stop me from standing my ground and doing the right thing. MUST BE FIERCE OK!

I know everyone has a point of view. I won’t insist I am right. Or better. Or smarter. Or whatever. I may not be right. Heck, there might not be a “right”, just the one that makes the most sense to a person. In this case, the person is me.

Sometimes I watch myself as an outsider. Most probably from a man’s point of view. As you see, I have always thought I’ll be better off as a man. No more queues outside the ladies room. No more monthly curse (I think many women would agree). No more irrational, hormonal, strange, unreasonable thoughts and actions. I know many men also possess the same traits, but in a woman, these traits are just… different.

Ok, enough of the rambling, so what I want to say is… I don’t understand myself sometimes. But I will talk about my views being a woman later.

I live by a set of logic and common sense, that’s why I don’t subscribe to any form of syndicated religion. I analyse and take apart their teachings and I scrutinise them and I found that the core message is simply “be a good person, treat others well and live with a good and clear conscience”. I am pretty sure that is achievable even without the layer of religious stories, customs and frou frou covering it. I love the Bible, it’s full of stories that are interesting to read, and to dissect. But does that mean I believe in it? Well, the skeptic in me says that it has been translated and edited for so many centuries… how can I be sure that is the true word of God?

And that, I don’t know if there is a God. Or gods. There’s probably a cosmic and mysterious force out there somewhere, making sure the wind still blow, the tides still flow and all the exhilarating nature stuff… but I’m not sure if there is a single being that controls all these. I’d rather marvel at it than wonder who is creating all of that.

I am more inclined towards Buddhist teachings, as it tells you to lead a moderate life. Sounds boring, but many people are unable to achieve that. It’s a very high level of spirituality that I am too lazy to embark on a search for. It’s not easy to get rid of our attachment to the material world. The truth is – we came to the world with nothing and we will leave the world with nothing.

Maybe not nothing. You’ll have memories. Things that you did, places that you went, people you loved, food you tasted, music you heard, movies you enjoyed… Do you want to leave the world with regrets? Guess not.

My biggest fear, is to have wasted my life. Doing things that aren’t meaningful. Doing things that brings inconvenience to others. Doing things or saying things that hurt others. I’d want to have made full use of my life. Lived, loved, hated, seen, heard, experienced, tasted, felt all that is humanly possible in my lifetime. Life is short and we are able to break out of our predicament, toss out the lousy cards we are given and make the best of what we got.

I am Barffie the super whiney one. I labelled myself whiney, but the fact is, I try not to. Well, I still do, but as a responsible, down-to-earth adult, sometimes it’s better to just suck it up and eat the problem whole. Easy to say when it’s hell to achieve. Nobody said life was easy. There’s always shit waiting around the corner to ambush you and smear you with all its gooey goodness.

Ok that’s part 1 for now. I got work to do hokay!!!

The older I got, the simpler the wants. Ok. Maybe not simpler. But a clean blog layout that is clean and uncluttered is what I really like right now.

Juggling the part-time studies are well underway. Out of the 6 assignments for the 2 modules I am taking this semester, I have knocked 2 down and on the way to completing the 3rd one. The 4th one is prepped, somewhat and although it’s not quite ready to go, I have an idea how to go about it for now. There’s 2 more big ones to go and I certainly hope to get good grades for them.

Then there is the new job. A brand new workflow, a brand new set of colleagues, a brand new system of working on videos in a tapeless environment… it’s quite a bit to handle, especially for a newbie who was given quite a few projects to tackle in her fledgling weeks at the company. It was stressful, and I am glad I cleared the hurdles one by one. Just had to keep an eye on the goal and work towards it.

I wished I was always this disciplined though. FCP machine times are hard to come by during normal office hours, so every second counts. Every click and every key I hit has to be for a purpose, and there’s no time for screw-ups. It’s quite a challenge, but a challenge well-placed to keep me moving. Slacking is 2nd nature to me, so perhaps by keeping my energy level up via constant working and thinking… the inertia won’t be so strong for me to fight.

“Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion or rest.”

Yup. Inertia is bad for someone as undisciplined as I am, when it comes to exercise, diets and a sensible sleep cycle… But rest, oh glorious rest. I do love them so. And same goes for indulgence of the gastronomic type.

We stood on the platform, high above the city skyline, away from the tourists and the gawkers… looking out to the night lights of the eastern shore… and it was nice. The band was quiet and introspective, we hummed along to the familiar tunes in unison, with the breeze licking away at our faces…

It’s a rare thing we did, and I loved every second of it.

You’ve always said you love me because I make you laugh.

That I am silly and funny, and you like sharing your life with me.

You’ve said that I am your only friend. The only person you could tell your secrets to.

Although I don’t always take everything with a pinch of salt, and you have spent many nights trying to convince me that your feelings were steadfast and true… Although I tell everyone “all good things come to an end, and perhaps even my relationship with him won’t last forever…” Although I am not the easiest person to live with, just because of my fluctuating temperament…

Deep down, I wished this would go on and on, until we are too old to walk, until we are too weak to carry our cats, until we can’t speak anymore, until we couldn’t hold each other hands any longer…

I hope you’ll stay with me, even if I am old, saggy and a whole lot of grumpy… Even when I stop making you laugh, or stop being silly and funny… I hope you’ll stay right here, right beside me.

Will you?

I make my own money. With this new job, things are gonna get more comfy for us. We enjoy our lives, our home, the company of our cats, the love for each other and our freedom from not having kids and all…
Have also built a small but tidy sum of Rainy Day funds… I have lost 10kg out of sheer will and although the progress has stopped, I know getting back in the programme is not hard to achieve.

Why was I emo then?

I guess the fear of losing it all overwhelms me at times. Oh the silliness.

I was happy jammy and now I am emo nemo.
I know not all good things last, and I am afraid it’ll be over, way too soon.