yeah i know i need to let loose man…
but it’s just something tt i did last time man…
i’ll never do tt now
but i still imagine stuff…
not healthy –
but i guess it’ll all work out somehow
thanks ppl… 
well more heart to heart talk?
tt’s y i have this blogspot i guess
easier to update than my webbie…
but i just feel bitter
but who’ll knows man next time i might be rich
and happy?
haahahahah
suicidal thoughts?
i’ve had my fair share of them…
since i was… like… 12?
family problems…
mostly, made me wanna draw away from my family n my home somehow…
very much in fact.
maybe tt’s y i’m always staying out.
avoiding my mum n stuff…
maybe i got “controlled” too much in my teenage yrs…
now tt i “grew up”
or i really meant grow older physically…
maybe mentally i’m still stuck at tt bitter youth thingy…
i feel old…
maybe it’s work
maybe it’s what happened to my previous relationship
maybe i just wanna get over with life
and be done with it
yup
but i haven’t killed myself yet
i don’t think i have the courage for that…
yet
a few times i found myself taking a kitchen knife n attempting to slit my wrists
but, it hurts
and i dun have tt courage to push down hard…
n i end up with broken skin for a few days…
i remembered once tying a bandana on my wrist when i went to work…
pretending to be cool or something…
the guilt, and the shame.
the scars are already gone
and many times i pictured myself covered in blood
lying in the bathroom
literally flooded with blood
and how my funeral would turn out to be
no religion
(my mum will definitely do her buddhist thingy, but it’s betta than the taoist thing!)
no big sending-away-last-journey thing
just cremate me – no need for burial
why waste that space, and the money
for someone who will leave the world ANYWAY?
we r only here for a short while
so enjoy while it still lasts…
pessimistic?
yes i always have been
i think too much i know
i know my faults, my weaknesses, my horrible thoughts…
are not healthy
but i can’t help but feel disappointed with life…
for those of u reading this
pls do not worry for me
i’ll be fine… really…
i just need to be a better daughter to my mum now
a better sister to my siblings
a better friend to my … real friends…
a better me to myself…
i’m afraid of growing old.
old and useless.
old and useless and senile.
i wish i can…
just fade away… 
unless… i dunno man
guess i’m still searching for my real aim in life.
money?
career?
love?
nothingness?
argh…
well today is a shooting day…
day 1 of 5…
argh…
burning weekend nights aren’t a really happening thing…
guess i shld claim one day off ya…
thinking of grabbing a pair of heels next week…
this week is a goner man…
in a low low depression mode…
and…
i need my own space man…
no personal space at home…
argh i can’t even blast the mini compo…
Got this from a colleague
————–
“A jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at Microsoft. The
HR manager interviewed him, then gave him a test, which was to clean the
floor. After that the HR manager said “You are engaged, give me your
e-mail address, and I’ll send you the application to fill, as well as when
you will start”.
The man replied, ” I don’t have a computer, neither an email! ” “I’m sorry”,
said the HR manager, “if you don’t have an email, that means you do not
exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job”.
The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only
10US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy
a 10Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round.
In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated
the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized
that he could survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and
return late. Thus, his money doubled and tripled day by day.
Shortly later, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of
delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man became one of the biggest food
retailers in the U. S. He started to plan his family’s future, and decided
to get life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and choose a
protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
The man replied: “I don’t have an email”. The broker replied curiously,
“You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do
you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?”!!
The man thought for a while, and replied: “an office boy at Microsoft!”
“The moral of this story:
1- Internet is not the solution to your life
2- if you don’t have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
(That may be true in certain ways)
3- if you received this message by email, you are closer to be an office boy,
rather than a millionaire. (No offence)”
>>> Well it did make me think so a while…
But sometimes, luck is not always on your side…
The stroke of genius moment…
Let’s say if the guy offers to clear his neighbour’s toilet for a fee…
He could have been a tycoon of the sanitaryware industry or something!
I dunno la
toking crap
ahahhha 
1. DVD player
2. 14 inch TV
3. Heels (and i mean glam ones)
4. More plastic / metal bangles
5. ADSL modem? ;\ (if i sign on this singnet plan – then can get free…)
6. iPod (just a thought)
These I will buy over the next few mths…
as for the iPod – maybe… next year?
or IF got bonus, or…
7. A Brand New PC?!
~~~~
(women and their secret desires huh)
not been able to save up recently
must be the major change in my life right now
now tt i’m trying to indulge in myself
my looks n stuff
is tt a bad thing???
i use to be able to save alot alot…
this mth left with… $200+++ to spend until payday…
> bought contacts
> yoga mat
> a few movies
> bills
> give to mama
woohooo!!!! this is marvelous… -_-
eating packed lunch > kindly cooked by mama…
save money ar…
thinking of zoukout
$35 for 26th July
get someone to buy first – if not at the door $45!!!!
the government now allows people to dance on bar tops
and issuing licenses for 24hr nightspots
> i think i will try tt out one day…
the 24hr thing of coz, not the BAR TOP?!!!
u want???? leave it in the comments! :B
anyway i think if i’m drunk enough
with the right crowd
right music
right place…
i might dance on e bar top though…
i think not – i not sexy enough…
my wild flinging of arms will only gain me unwanted attention
jeers?
boos?
wolf whistles?
friends running away out of embarrassment?
oh man…
pride can stand a thousand trials
the strong, will never fall
but watching stars without you
my soul cries > kissing u: romeo + juliet ost
i stand in front of you
and take the force of the blow
protection…
you’re a boy and i’m a girl > protection: massive attack
this must be underwater love
the way i feel it slipping all over me…
after the rain comes sun
after the sun comes rain again…
when i first saw you, i was deep in clear blue water
the sun was shining, calling me to come to see you…
follow me now, to a place
you only dream of before i came along…
> underwater love: smoke city
r i g h t
me is cold n hungry in the office
but hey,
i got some keropok to munch on man
trying again
sucker me
Barffie is an internet addict, a music video junkie and a crazy cat lady who loves roaming the world.