This temptin.blogspot.com has been with me for months now.
I didn’t realise time passed that quickly.
Felt too lazy to shift my blog back to my old address…
And this was easy and stable enough to use now.
Blogspot gave me so much problems before this.
But anyway.
Should I stay here?
Today as I met him up for dinner,
and some things happened,
which kicked me deep into thought about what I have been thinking all this time.
I was silent for a long time.
Finally we decided to find a place to sit down
and talk about what has been bothering me the whole night.
Or rather, all this time.
And in all my emoting glory,
I burst out crying,
and told him “We just don’t suit each other.”
We’ve certainly got communication problems,
and I am forever guessing how he feels,
I am forever afraid of offending him in any way possible.
If Mr S were to be someone who does not know how to express himself right,
Mr K is someone who is totally incapable
of projecting his inner feelings into words.
Nothing is wrong with him, really.
He had been really sweet, and is really patient with me.
He is not a big romantic SNAG, nor he is a flamboyant lover.
Certain degrees of insensitivity seems to be the problem of many guys anyway.
As much as he doesn’t express his feelings out loud to me,
he did many little things for me out of pure practicality and concern.
But I need something as fundamental as holding my hand when we are out,
and a hug and a kiss or something when we part.
Sometimes he does that, but many times he does not.
Most of the times, he’ll shake my hand away in public,
I told him “It’s as if you were afraid that people will know I am your gf.”
His “shyness” is just. too. much. for me to bear.
Sometimes I just need a single word of mushiness to make my day.
He just doesn’t do it.
I need a soul mate.
Someone who doesn’t open up, definitely is not soul mate material.
Apart from that, I sobbed out my other grosteque thoughts of the relationship.
Not too nice to hear,
but I did sum all my thoughts up and presented to him on a platter.
“I have been trying to make myself accept your-take-things-slowly attitude,
but that is just not something I can do.
That’s the way you are and that’s the way I am.
We simply just don’t suit each other.”
He remained silent.
He told me he do not know what to say of this.
And then he held me tight in his arms.
I can sense his frustration, albeit silent ones,
and I sobbed even more.
Another futile attempt in prying open his shell.
But this time, his hug said alot by itself.
How can I not give it another go?
Oops
I forgot it’s already end of the month,
and I should have already trashed that pair of contacts
that I have been wearing for way too long.
Hur hur been sub-consciously trying to extend the use
of my monthly disposables…
And I SHOULD protect my eyes and my teeth more.
Should restart my flossing habit again.
Kiam Siap is in moi BLARD!
Now I am contacts-less,
and waiting for colleagues to drive me out to the main road
where I can take my bus number freaking 66 back home.
So I can sleep so I can rest
for tomorrow it’s another shitty day.
Damn. I can’t go clubbing tomorrow night still.
Been having this obscene urge to dance my night away
for a couple of weeks.
Nah should put it off for my health.
For my sanity and the thinning bank account.
But hey. It’s free flow almost anywhere on Wednesdays. 
Yada Yada… I am kinda tired now.
First time in 3 years I’ve stayed over in the office.
Moaahahahaa…
Nice of him to wanna meet me up.
Because he’s bored. Oh well.
Can’t be bothered now.
Have been having a bad throat lately.
My pimples and sore throats are becoming more of a common recurrance nowadays,
I think age is slowly catching up on me,
attacking me quickly with ailments
when I neglect certain aspects of my diet or lifestyle.
Zzz…
He’s been very caring…
Asking after my health and things automatically…
He doesn’t do that usually…
But a hug would be good.
Then again he’s not accustomed to PDA wor.
So 
(((
We don’t have a place to ourselves,
so that he can cuddle me without feeling shy.
The silly toad. ;p
I MISH HIM!
Birtues op HahMorNeh siboh…
4:39am and I am still here trying to give birth to a
powderful trailer for this program
that will determine the life and death of Channel U/Mediaworks
for the next “n” months.
At least Alain and I were given enough time to prepare for this
164 episodes of “blockbuster-wannabe”.
Why is this series THAT important for the survival of MW?
Because if without good ratings as well as sponsors coming in for this program,
Channel U’s primetime 7pm slot will be DEADER than DEAD.
We need a success/miracle/long term story like The Kindred Spirit (Zhen Qing),
to sustain us for the next “n” months.
In the War Of The U and 8, The MW vs The MC, The i and The 5,
We are fighting a very tough price war,
programme war,
artist war,
promotional war…
whatever war.
They’ve got government funding,
we don’t.
We are the bastard child of SPH (as some of us would call it),
they are their own master.
They’ve got a workforce of thousands,
we’ve got 200+++.
HOW TO WINNNN?
Interestingly, Singapore is the about the only duapoly
(of Terrestrial channels)in the world, to be suffering this badly.
As we have learnt from Taiwan Ah Seng (another of our sleeper “hit”),
long term price wars will ONLY end only if,
1. One of the parties goes bust, and inevitably gives up.
2. Both parties suffer from the decrease of solid revenues,
and strike up an agreement to standardise their airtime pricing.
3. The 2 rival companies merge = retrenchment exercise.
Possibilities of the above possibilites…
1. Most probably us. The ex-Chairman of SPH once said that,
if we do not start EARNING money in 2005,
we MIGHT be shut down.
This particular Old Mr Lim is like the Lee Dynasty of SG.
Go figure.
2. Not a improbable future.
But personally I feel, this would take a couple more years before the Tee Kee managements will decide to bow to the sad realities of life.
3. Word of this has been out for a few months.
There might be a merge.
However, such “rumors” originated from the walls of Mediacock.
They MIGHT be very well trying to decrease the morale of us Media-Dun-Workers.
Alright. Enough of blogging.
5am. Time to sleep in the office perhaps.
I am still pretty awake. @_< ~~~~
Been trying to install the toolbar but dunno why,
it just would not appear. NNB!!!
Zzz…
Ya and lotsa trojans and spyware on my comp.
The horror! After all the anti-virus software thingy,
all the anti-spyware, anti-adware measures,
they still come and stay in my computer… o.0
Sickening…
But I get the anti-spyware alerts very often…
Some very frequently accessed sites like Friendster are also planted with spyware!!!!
Ya I do my scans every once in a while.
Hope it’ll be alright.
Had some blue-screen-of-death just now as well.
BLARDY HELL!
Been reading up on goddess worship,
as well as Wiccan practices…
I guess I should go to the gathering first,
before I try to proceed with anything…
In the meantime,
maybe the Genealogy of Brighid will be good…
Many think Paganism is a kind of unorthodox worship.
But think,
people from ancient times worship the very land they walk on.
the trees, rocks, rivers and even fire…
No offence to Christianity and Catholicism,
but I would think that ever since the power struggle long ago,
people have been brainwashed into believing that worshipping nature,
and using the powers of nature is badddd…
You’ve heard of Christians banning Harry Potter from their reading list,
you’ve heard of them not allowed to meditate,
and get in contact with things like Tarot cards,
and you’ve heard of the Salem Witch Trials…
Christianity has had a “violent” past I would say.
How can you be sure that what you read now,
after centuries of revisions and upheavals has not been rephrased,
or have been changed due to biasedness?
I am no observer of rules,
and the “Thou Shalt Not…” stuff I seriously do not comprehend.
Dear Raisins and the rest who are reading this,
no offence to your beliefs but I do not see it as what I can follow,
that is all.
Just flooding my thoughts about religion laaahh… ;p
I don’t mean I am going to practise witchcraft,
but worshipping a goddess of skill and inspiration and other things,
for peace, love and harmony, couldn’t be a bad thing isn’t it.
Since secondary school,
I have been occasionally reading about paganism and stuff,
and I seriously am drawn to goddess worship,
not because of a certain TV show or things like that.
And Da Vinci’s Code did touch me in a certain way…
Dumb to follow the thoughts of a book,
but I am rather convinced by the ideas expressed in it really…
I believe there’s a Ying to Yang to everything.
With every light side, there is always a dark side.
Just look at the moon.
So I am trying to seek balance in myself now.
I am new to this, but I think spiritually,
I am in barren land.
I have never been a spiritual person.
Never encountered funny sightings or feelings…
Or witness any miracles or felt the “calling”…
I was telling others,
I am losing myself to… myself.
I cannot control my emotions and thoughts anymore.
I am driving myself crazy with the voices in my head…
People told me I need therapy…
I guess so too.
I am seeking spiritual therapy now.
I seek inner peace, and strength.
To harness my abilities and do some good for others and especially myself.
I seek not to fear, not to hide, not to hate.
I know I don’t sound like me now.
But I am trying to bring something into my life.
That will hopefully, make me a better, stronger, wiser person.
Thanks Ludo for offering me some insight and guidance.
“Every day and every night
That I say the genealogy of Brighid,
I shall not be killed,
I shall not be harried,
I shall not be put into a cell,
I shall not be wounded.
No fire, no sun,
no moon shall burn me,
No lake, no water,
no sea shall drown me.
for I am the child of Poetry,
Poetry, child of Reflection,
Reflection, child of Meditation,
Meditation, child of Lore,
Lore, child of Research,
Research, child of Great Knowledge,
Great Knowledge, child of Intelligence,
Intelligence, child of Comprehension,
Comprehension, child of Wisdom,
Wisdom, child of Brighid.
-The Genealogy of Brighid
Traditional Prayer”
[00:31] F: so u’re in a relationship..and u r falling in love with another guy?
[00:31] Doodienne: ?
[00:31] Doodienne: nah jus a little interest
[00:31] Doodienne: but doesnt mean i hv to get together w him ma
[00:33] F: thing is.. u attached now?
[00:33] Doodienne: yes
[00:33] F: and u a little interested with another guy
[00:34] F: tsk tsk tsk… bad girl..bad girl..
[00:34] Doodienne: what is wrong w tt
[00:34] Doodienne: no i dun find anything wrong w tt
[00:34] Doodienne: it’s how u weigh the situation
[00:34] F: hmm..
[00:35] Doodienne: interested in someone else does not equate having to be with tt person
[00:35] Doodienne: sometimes their company is all u seek
[00:35] Doodienne: but u dun need their commitment towards u
[00:35] Doodienne: or vice versa
[00:35] Doodienne: u know
[00:35] Doodienne: ?
[00:35] F: okay…. but then
[00:36] F: it’s when in this kind of situations..one tends to get swayed
[00:36] Doodienne: ya
[00:36] Doodienne: becos my r/s w my boi isn’t stable from the start
>>>
[01:26] Doodienne: i am a wild fire when it comes to r/s
[01:26] Doodienne: he is the earth
[01:26] Doodienne: steadfast
[01:26] C: orh
[01:26] Doodienne: n holding his ground
[01:26] Doodienne: sometimes the earth smothers the fire
[01:27] Doodienne: when the fire is smothered, it kills me
[01:27] C: ya
[01:27] C: i get what you mean
[01:29] Doodienne: -_-
[01:29] Doodienne: he needs a water or fellow earth woman
[01:29] Doodienne: fire does not suit him
[01:29] C: well.. ple change and all
[01:29] C: perhaps love can conquer all
[01:29] C: like that notebook movie
…
Yes I am slutana.
…
I need him in a way, but he apparantly does not need me.
He told me that himself.
Why should I waste his time?
I shouldn’t.
After all these time, I am still having the same doubts as I do before.
This is not healthy in the long run for sure.
We do have some commitment to each other,
but will is it strong enough to hold us together?
I don’t think so.
Since day dunno what, I have been having ?????? in my mind.
That’s a sign isn’t it.
It’s not me this time, but I know it when 2 pieces of jigsaw puzzles don’t fit.
Why try fitting it together when their shapes simply do not fit?
Yes the above title for this post is currently my “Name” in IRC.
These 3 words from Ella Fitzgerald’s Bewitched basically sums me up pretty nicely…
;p
Today I went to Zouk for a U Entertainment shoot,
thanks to the encouragement given to me by Haha…
I went ahead with this shoot with little preparation,
and after a whole day of working on the graphics for Virtues of Harmony.
I wasn’t even supposed to be involved.
And somehow I just turned out to be a PRODUCER for real this time round,
even though it’s not for a program,
but for an entertainment filler for Channel U.
Not that it matters,
but hey I get to direct some shoot for once,
ever since I graduated from TP like… 3 years ago… ;p
The event was big, fluffy, grand, and full of the frou frou…
Nice theme for a hairstyling show by Monsoon and Lux… a circus! 
I am happy because the cameraman was in a good mood,
so he was pretty cooperative…
I am happy because I caught a couple of MW artistes for a short interview about the event,
as well as the Chief Hairstylist,
and of course Michelle Chia.
I’m glad I didn’t fumble or something when asking those questions.
MOhaahaha… -_-
Had some booze, had some nice finger food, koped quite a few goodie bags,
enjoyed some good music spun by DJ B.
My fave kinda music ler… Deep house, acid jazz, Bossa… ;p
Enjoyed some lame laughter from talking crap with the artistes and the crew…
This night had been good.
Anyway,
met someone again after a few months of non-contact.
He was there as well,
and after talking crap with him,
I found myself drawn to him AGAIN.
He’s a charming little fellow, with eyes to kill for…
GAH. DAMN. BRR.
He’s just a little taller than me,
not too charming in THAT sense.
I still like taller guys.
And oh, I bet I am JUST one of the girls he charmed with his wit and character.
Zzz but I was definitely flirting shamelessly with him… -_-
Well but I told him I got a boy now ain’t it.
No worries.
I still am with my shy, down-to-earth, unromantic Mr K… ;p
Why is he still unattached?
He charms with his bad boy/cute guy looks,
but he definitely don’t give girls a certain sense of security.
Anyway he doesn’t have too much of a vibe that says he wanna settle down or something.
So. I guess I guess…
Strange, but I feel a certain rapport with him from the first second I met him.
Ahz, nice buddy material. ;p
It’s just a crush, a crush, a crush.
It will go away. It will.
I will never know
cause you will never show
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
I will never know
cause you will never show
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
Carnival came by my town today
bright lights from giantwheels
fall on the alleyways
and I’m here
by my door
waiting for you
I will never know
cause you will never show
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
I will never know
cause you will never show
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
I hear sounds of lovers
barrel organs, mothers
I would like to take you
down there
just to make you mine
in a merry-go-round
I will never know
cause you will never show
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
I will never know
cause you will never show
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
hmmmmm come on and love me now
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
come on and love me now
>>> One of my favorite songs of all time.
I would like to perform this song one day.
Who wan form a kanasai band w me????
I think he does love me (in some ways) afterall.
It’s hard to dig a single word of longing and love out of him.
Very hard really.
Even though I simply do not want a sweet-mouth boy no more,
but sometimes a simple word like that,
WILL mean so much.
Someone told me,
the harder it is for someone to say it,
the more the phrase’ll mean to him.
He did some very very very nice things for me,
no matter how tired he was,
he came all the way down to help me with some things
that’ll tide me over this trumultous period I am going through right now.
Then he’ll travel all the way back home.
I doubt him over and over again.
Why do I crave for someone to love me,
and when someone does,
I doubt his actions and the meanings behind his actions?
“I guess he’s this nice to everybody…”
“I guess he’s just being sympathic…”
“I guess he’s just a helpful, patient guy…”
Even if his actions tell me so,
I doubt his intentions.
All the time I ask him things, to chase him away…
To get him to utter those “Let’s break up” words…
I annoy him,
anger him,
threaten him…
And he is still here.
After D, he is the guy whom I have been with,
for the longest period.
Even though it’s just a short 5 months,
I want him into my life so much.
Yet he is still quite distant from me.
I think.
I don’t think I am worthy.
He tells me of his other female friends,
and my mind goes, “What the hell is he doing with ME?”
He should be with a strong, independant, mature lady.
He suits someone like this and he needs someone who can hold her own ground.
Not me, someone over-clingy, over-naggy,
paranoid, neurotic, immature…
He tells his other friends what really happened to him,
but I know nothing of him,
not much anyway.
I gathered the info from what he told people over the phone or something.
I am glad he did not attempt to hide it from me at such moments.
As he had told me time and again,
he just do not want to mention his worries to me.
I didn’t probe either.
Maybe I matter to him in a way,
so that he wants to be there for me,
and will settle his own issues.
He is more open to talking about himself lately.
He shares with me his frustrations especially.
That’s a change.
I hope.
My feelings will stir his emotions out of him someday.
I wish to see some display of affection you know?