Barffie The Whine Connoisseur

Wow as I look back into my links in my website,
I realised that I have been blogging regularly for more than a year!
Since July last year,
I have been dishing out scraps of depression and thoughts every other day,
sharing bits of my life with the internet community and especially friends.

Nice…
When I read back on those previous posts,
I realise I have come a long way since I’ve started blogging.
In the course of one year,
I have gotten myself a Broadband connection,
gone for a couple of interviews,
had colleagues close to me leaving the company,
had friends who got married,
got addicted to IRC,
met up people from the net frequently,
expanded my social circle tremendously,
got to know people from all walks of life,
having my own channel,
got into ONE blog war,
downloaded a ton worth of mp3s,
found some new music genres and groups,
learnt alot about people,
and life in general…

During this 15 odd months,
I have gotten into 4 relationships with guys off the internet…
Still battling one of them now,
but the funny thing is, I met him over blogging… -_-

Is that Fate or what?

Well I am still alive here,
and I am back to the very beginning, BlogSpot that is.
I think I will be blogging alot more in the future…
So if you give a shit, tune back in often.

“When was the last time you tried something for the first time?”

Meaningful line from an ad for Emirates I think.
Sometimes humans fall in and out of something so many times,
their passion goes down and their helplessness goes up,
and when nothing seems to get them all alive again,
and when they found it,
they shrink from it.
For fear of consequences that might not be as serious as we think.

Sometimes we just think of the worst possible scenario,
and we fail to realise,
life can be nice to us after all.
Every dog will have its day…
If not, we end up numb and soul-less and walk around like zombies.
Who wants that?!

That’s the little optimist speaking up now.
With what little hope I have and with bruised courage,
that’s what made me go on all these years.
I claim to have died,
but I still have this stubborn streak in me that says “I REFUSE TO DIE”.

And all I hope that he will do, is follow the way of the Fool in Tarot cards

“The Upright Fool card represents a new beginning,
a fresh start in any aspect of our life.
When this card is drawn,
we are faced with important choices and decisions which need to be made as
we begin this new life-cycle and to deal with any difficult challenges along the way.
The Fool tells us to face these challenges with energy, optimism and faith,
which will ensure a positive outcome.
It also points out that we must develop faith in our abilities to make the right choices,
to keep the faith, and to walk our own unique path with optimism and hope.”

“The Fool represents a new beginning. If the questioner is seeking self-expression or finding their destined path then this is an auspicious time to make changes and begin a new enterprise or life style. The questioner may be considering major changes in their life that others consider imprudent or risky. Follow your dream.”

=

If only life is as simple as 1 + 1 = 2.
But it never will be.
We get bored with a simple life,
and yet when the equation piles up like a tower that’s waiting to
topple over anytime,
we cling on to it for dear life.
Seeing the beauty of the balance (or the lack of it) sometimes amaze us,
so much that it is quite unable to look away at times.

But when the equation starts to affect the way you feel,
that’s when chaos prevail.
When your heart starts having a mind of its own,
that’s when you start to get messed up, real bad.

Let’s try putting something into simple Maths question, ala Primary School style.
Multiple Choice Question some more sia.

Question:
GirlA stands at the one end of the scale.
GirlB stands at the other end of the scale.
GuyC is stuck in the middle.
GirlA stands for LOVE.
GirlB stands for RESPONSIBILITY.
Which side of the scale shall GuyA stand on, to achieve the best balance?
Note: He CANNOT stay in the middle.

1. GuyC should stand at GirlA’s side, where love conquers all guilt and loneliness.
While GirlB will have to try to survive without a responsible GuyC.

2. GuyC should stand at GirlB’s side, where he can fulfil his intended responsibility.
While GirlA will be miserable, and GuyC will be miserable,
but only GirlB will think she’s living in Lalaland.

3. GuyC should get off the scale,
and laugh at the two girls standing there looking like complete fools.

4. GuyC and GirlA should kill themselves, so no one will blame the dead.

Oh well.
If only life is as simple as shading in the ovals with 2B pencils.
If only.

Hope you get well soon.
It’s worrying when you spiral down like this.

How many times have you fallen asleep on the bus,
earphones blasting,
bus rocking,
bell buzzing,
people slamming their asses on the seat beside you – making you bounce,
knocking your head on the window – while your head does a little spinning dance,

and after all that, you wake up feeling empty?

Many times I found myself on extremely long bus rides,
but somehow I have gotten used to them,
like bus 14 from Orchard, that goes through Katong, East Coast Road, Siglap… …
and I used to take 168, that goes from Woodlands, to Jalan Kayu, thru Tampines…

Used to loathe that back breaking feeling you get when you sat in a
position for too long, stiff necks,
noisy students disturbing your peace,
too much twisting and turning of the route, making you giddy…

Last night, I took 28 from Toa Payoh,
and with great reluctance I boarded the bus.
The hollowness I felt then, was tremendous.

Has anyone been embedded so deep into your mind,
that when he’s not around,
there leaves a huge gaping hole?
The vacuum in that hole, seem to suck all life into it.

I might have experienced that years ago,
but somehow,
certain memories evade me consciously,
yet invade my sub-consciousness when I least expect it.

It’s not a good feeling,
when deja vu strikes you in your happiest moments,
only to ruin your little emotional high,
dragging it down to the depths.
That applies to fears creeping up on you too.
Wet blanket.

That happened to me last Thursday,
and I was to admit my emotional roller coaster drives people close to me crazy,
except for a few.
A: “Hope my emotional roller coaster didn’t put you off.”
O: “I am an emotional roller coaster too.”
A: “Both running in different directions.”
O: “Both heading into a crash.”

That’s my soulmate speaking.
I won’t be your first,
but I wish I’ll be your last.

If I should die this very moment,
I wouldn’t feel complete.

Even though the hearts yearn,
but in name we may not be.

—> Bad attempt.

This is my GB avatar after playing for like… less than 2 weeks?
Of course I didn’t earn all of them,
but the Santa outfit and the Rudolph Nose I got myself!
As for the person who gave me the Rudolph wand and bunny ears…
I thank you.

Still bad at the game
and so far my rank is … ahz, no need for mention.
But I am more used to using Arduka (a spidey looking mobile)
and Grub (a gold colour… well… Grub)…

OH WELL!
It’s just a game, it’s just a game…
Nice to form a full Arduka team with SSTemplar, Chocolattee and NaiveGuyz.
I think y|ngEr plays GB too.
Wonder what her game id is.
Haven’t seen her around for ages.

*mumbles incoherantly*
OK. Time to sleep.
Tomorrow night watchie moobie. ))))

Bittersweet is what I describe our situation now.
All we need now, is to bomb this obstacle with our Ardukas. (GB talk?)
No matter what others would say,
no matter how others would frown.
It’s all in our hands.
Our happiness.
It’s not everyday that you find a soulmate, you know.

“Look no further
Look no further
Look no further

Cruelest
Almost
Always to ourselves
It musn’t
Get any better
Off

It’s in our hands : it always was
It’s in our hands : in our hands
It’s all there : in our hands
It’s all there : in our hands

Well
Now
Aren’t we scaring ourselves
Unecessarily?
Aren’t we trying too hard?

‘Cause it’s in our hands
It’s in our hands
It’s all here : it’s in our hands

Look no further
Look no further

It’s in our hands : it always was
It’s in our hands”
—> Our Hands by Bjork

“What is that sound
Ringing in my ears
The strangest sound
I’ve heard for years and years
The sound of two hearts
Beating side by side
The sound of one love
That neither one can hide
The sound that makes the world go round
The sound that makes the world go round

What is that sound
Running round my head
Funny I thought
That part was long since dead
But now there is new life
Coursing through my veins
Because there’s someone
Who makes it beat again

The sound that makes the world go round
The sound that makes the world go round
The sound that makes the world go round
The sound that makes the world go round
What is that sound
Ringing in my ears
The strangest sound
I’ve heard for years and hears
The sound of two hearts
Beating side by side
The sound of one love
That neither one can hide”
—> What Sound by Lamb

Has anybody heard of Weekend Blues?
This syndrome isn’t too common amongst normal people,
but somehow it happened to me.

Maybe it’s because I’ve gotta go back to work on Saturday to finish up my work for this week.
Maybe it’s something else that bothers me.
No details but it strikes an absolute fear in me.
A fear of losing what I have always wanted all my life.
Or even just temporarily losing it, weighs my mind down so much.

I am getting paranoid again I know.
But what is alt without this streak of paranoia?
An alt on happy pills maybe.

Suicidal thoughts have long invaded my mind for years now.
So many times I wanna give up,
yet I refuse to give up, because I was looking forward to something.
Or the possibility of something.

For once, I thought it finally came to me.
I thought the search is over.
But hey, it’s slipped through my fingers like sand.
What I can hold on to, is a morsel of it.
That’s what I think anyway.

The self-loathe thing is coming on.
Urgh.

“Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I’m waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can’t say”

Maybe the best kind of love,
is the love that you can’t have.