Well friends and enemies of mine, thanks for checking back again…
I guess alot of you guys are wondering about
what’s going on in my love life right now.
Have been posting alot of cryptic stuff in here that needs some filling in.
I guess this would be a good time.
Some questions to ponder over before I proceed with the great spill.
1. What is the basis of a good relationship?
2. Is the quality or “quantity” (length of relationship) more important?
3. Are you in love with your partner? Or are you just seeking companionship?
Now…
Recently, I have gotten to know this guy through the net (yet again).
Contrary to popular belief, I did not know him through IRC,
but through this very blog.
I know it’s a funny way to meet someone, but somehow,
blogs tend to be a little more truthful and offers much more insight to a person’s
inner workings, than over the IRC.
Most people just treat IRC as a channel for crapping and for passing time.
Once, I clicked on a random link in a friend’s blog,
and found myself checking back on this particular person’s blog often.
I like the way he describe things.
I like reading about inconsiderate drivers on the road.
I like how he talks about the mentality of people, men and women alike,
in the game of love.
I thought he might very well be an interesting guy to know.
Left a comment, and therefore left a link to my own blog.
He read it, and actually he found me interesting.
INTERESTING! Someone actually finds my whining interesting.
The things I said reminded him of his younger, angsty self as well.
We didn’t started talking until I saw him chatting in the mains of #singapore20+,
one boring, warm afternoon.
Invited him to my channel and we didn’t chat much until some time later,
when we were all supposed to go to Newsroom Bar for a night of clubbing,
with some mutual friends.
And as the chat goes on,
we found each other talking on the same frequency.
Quite common in IRC really, but somehow we knew we had to meet.
Things became a blur after that.
We met up often, and we found ourselves deeply attracted to each other.
On my side, this is the scoreboard.
He doesn’t smoke (plus 10 points),
he doesn’t gamble, not at all (plus 10 points),
he doesn’t get smitten over the white and black ball game (plus 10 points),
he does get dramatic and goofy (plus 10 points),
he does appreciate my jokes and vice versa (plus 10 points),
he does possess this very ability to communicate in an articulate manner (plus 20 points),
he does have a gentlemenly side to him like opening car doors for ladies everytime,
and a very generous man for driving a carful of people all over Singapore,
back home after clubbing, 4am in the night (plus many many points)…
What I wanted in a guy, he has it.
What my friends told me to look out for a guy, he has it too.
And I liked it.
And I liked the attention that he gave me.
Fast forward to a point where we hugged and kissed and basically got linked up,
emotionally, mentally, and to a certain extent, physically.
If you guys know, I’ve always like this song named Gorecki, by Lamb.
“If I should die this very moment, I wouldn’t fear.
For I’ve never known completeness, like being here.
Wrapped in the warmth of you, loving every breath of you.
Still my heart this moment, or it might burst…”
I felt this, and he felt it too.
Just like that, we found someone we’ve been searching for.
Next afternoon, through MSN, he told me very slowly that he was actually attached to a girl, who have been taking care of him for the past few years.
Gratitude and thankfulness for her care and concern led him to think,
maybe a simple life like this would suffice.
After been through countless relationships,
this jaded person just want to settle down in a world where things lie on cotton candy.
But it is not who he is, or what he wanted.
I was disappointed with this card that life dealt me.
It seemed like the joker card to me then.
I know all these might all sound like lame excuses from someone
who’s trying to get into my pants or something.
Or making use of me to get out of a dead end relationship.
Whatever it is, I know the connection between us is true.
All those eeky attempts in kissing frogs, this time you have found the prince.
How do you give up this someone that you have been searching all these time?
It was so hard to let go.
Many occasions we’ve talked ourselves into giving up,
and pretending that we’ve never met.
Many occasions we’ve contemplated reverting back to our old lifestyle,
and pretending the gaping holes in our hearts doesn’t exist.
Many occasions he’d thought of fulfilling his intended responsibility to her.
Many occasions I wanted to hold on to my dignity and pride,
for I never want to be a 3rd party.
Someone to break up someone else’s relationship.
It all came to nothing.
We saw each other more and more.
Felt more and more inseparable by the seconds.
Fighting our guilt and our conscience every second,
while enjoying every moment of communicating and feeling our hearts bursting
with joy for having found our soulmate in each other.
I know it sounds like some cheesy plot from Taiwanese drama serial now…
But yes. We are in love.
And I am the 3rd party… no longer.
He told her about us a few days ago.
We should be happy now that we can be official, but we ain’t.
Guilt and thoughts gnawing at our conscience every second.
But every time we held hands, it all still felt right.
She’s breaking down deep within, and I feel sorry for her actually.
I was in her position before, all weak and helpless.
But what didn’t kill me, did make me stronger.
That was almost 2 years ago. Almost.
And I am still alive.
I actually would like to talk to her, and talk her to her senses.
I do not believe in hanging on to a relationship,
when the other party do not have the heart to continue anymore.
No matter how many years 2 people have been together,
it’s the quality that matters at the end of it all.
If a relationship problem is slept on,
and hoping that the problem will disappear by itself,
leading to a happily ever after situation…
That will NEVER happen.
A problem will come back and maul you both to death, eventually.
I know I am trying to put me and him in a good light now.
All these explaining of logic and reason,
does not erase our guilt of not letting him settle his relationship with her,
before jumping over the deep end.
I am selfish. This time round. I want to be with him.
And I know I am not in the position to talk to her.
But as a woman, it feels shitty to see another fellow woman degrading herself,
just to possess a man who has left.
I do not wish to see a woman putting herself in the victim position.
It’s weak. I know I am not much stronger,
but I have learnt that, sympathy and emotional blackmail gets you nothing.
Even if you got your way for a while,
but it will lead you to a dead end sooner or later.
Love shouldn’t be such a painful thing to be in.
As for him, people have pointed out that:
“If he can do it to her, he can do it to you…”
“If he can let go of a 5 year relationship for a girl whom he knows for less than a month, he might not be a very sincere guy…”
“Will he change his mind again after 5 years?”
Who can be sure that things will last forever?
Nothing lasts.
Being careful only bring down the odds that things will turn out bad.
But chances we are all taking. Everybody.
Every do
tted line that you sign on, there is a possibility of a breach.
Some prefer to take calculated risks. Some would prefer to show hand.
For me and him, we threw in all our chips.
Every single one.
I am touched that he is willing to bear the brunt of it all,
for incuring the wrath of not just her, but also of his and her family members.
I am actually very glad that he was fair to all of us by not dragging things further.
Most people would sit on it and wait for someone to find out sooner or later.
I am glad he told both sides the truth.
Now it’s walking down the rocky path that we have hacked out with our bare hands.
If I haven’t already turned you off with my selfishness and immoral actions.
Please wish us luck.
Thank you.
After about 10 mins, this formation looks like a red Alienish growth.
Lava Blobs of the world UNITE!
This actually looks kinda phallic if you ask me.
Broop broooop…
Brrroooop~~~~
The lava in full motion.
This one I like best, good for the base of the spine.
This one reminds me a little of the Pentagram.
Slightly floral looking crop circle.
Geometrical thingy.
Simple half-spiral…
Complex one here! Damn nice.
