depression?
by barffie
suicidal thoughts?
i’ve had my fair share of them…
since i was… like… 12?
family problems…
mostly, made me wanna draw away from my family n my home somehow…
very much in fact.
maybe tt’s y i’m always staying out.
avoiding my mum n stuff…
maybe i got “controlled” too much in my teenage yrs…
now tt i “grew up”
or i really meant grow older physically…
maybe mentally i’m still stuck at tt bitter youth thingy…
i feel old…
maybe it’s work
maybe it’s what happened to my previous relationship
maybe i just wanna get over with life
and be done with it
yup
but i haven’t killed myself yet
i don’t think i have the courage for that…
yet
a few times i found myself taking a kitchen knife n attempting to slit my wrists
but, it hurts
and i dun have tt courage to push down hard…
n i end up with broken skin for a few days…
i remembered once tying a bandana on my wrist when i went to work…
pretending to be cool or something…
the guilt, and the shame.
the scars are already gone
and many times i pictured myself covered in blood
lying in the bathroom
literally flooded with blood
and how my funeral would turn out to be
no religion
(my mum will definitely do her buddhist thingy, but it’s betta than the taoist thing!)
no big sending-away-last-journey thing
just cremate me – no need for burial
why waste that space, and the money
for someone who will leave the world ANYWAY?
we r only here for a short while
so enjoy while it still lasts…
pessimistic?
yes i always have been
i think too much i know
i know my faults, my weaknesses, my horrible thoughts…
are not healthy
but i can’t help but feel disappointed with life…
for those of u reading this
pls do not worry for me
i’ll be fine… really…
i just need to be a better daughter to my mum now
a better sister to my siblings
a better friend to my … real friends…
a better me to myself…
i’m afraid of growing old.
old and useless.
old and useless and senile.
i wish i can…
just fade away… 
unless… i dunno man
guess i’m still searching for my real aim in life.
money?
career?
love?
nothingness?
argh…